To The Girl Who Keeps Going Back,
I’ve been there. Even after the name calling. The fighting. Losing my family, my friends, and myself. And even after the protection order.
Here’s my story. Afterwards, I have a letter I wrote. A letter to you. The girl who keeps going back.
As I walked into school I was in shock. Wow what a culture shock. From a huge, outdoor school in California to a small, claustrophobic, indoor school in good ole Alabama what a difference. My first several days were spent walking the halls, getting asked question on top of question about California. Boys admired me not for me, but simply because of where I moved from.
But this one boy. He had my eyes immediately. The day after we exchanged our first hello, he messaged me on Twitter. It in fact, went down in the dm because I went cuuurazy when my phone went off. “Oh my gosh!!!! He wrote me… now what do I respond?!” We spent the entire night texting back and forth. Yes. We eventually exchanged numbers. Things got serious.
Not even a full week at my new school and I met someone. Someone that I spent every waking hour in communication with from then on. After school and on weekends, we were hanging out. We were infatuated with one another. After awhile we made things official. I got my ever first, real boyfriend. Without noticing I became very attached to him, his words, his actions, everything about him. As time grew, my parents, teachers, and other people told me that this isn’t someone I needed to be with. They warned me about getting close to him, but I, of course, ignored them all because in my view he was perfect.
Attractive, hilarious, always there for me, and ya know all that other good stuff. I just instantly clicked with him. I felt like myself… 100% myself as soon as we met. I just knew it was meant to be. The way things naturally came together, he had to be the one.
When I said we spent every waking hour in communication with one another, I meant it. If we weren’t hanging out, we were on the phone, and if we weren’t on the phone we were texting. Looking back I recall small things hinting to me that I shouldn’t have continued to pursue him but at the time “it felt right.” I so easily brushed off all the warning signs. I can’t tell you if it’s because he was my first boyfriend. The one I lost my virginity to. Or what. I just knew that he was my everything.
One night I was very tired so I insisted we say our good nights and we’d see each other the next day at school. He got upset with me over this to an unhealthy point. Ugh, I wish I wish I knew why I let things carry on. It’s like I let myself become blind.
I ignored the times I found him messaging other girls.
I ignored the anger.
I ignored the mean words.
I ignored the controlling.
I gave into him so easily. I gave him every piece of who I was, inside and out.
I’m going to fast forward to right before I moved. We had been dating about six or seven months at this point and my family had to move… to a different country. We all knew that I would be moving, but we still took it hard. He didn’t want me to leave and I didn’t want to go. This was a huge sign that I had given into him. I normally love to travel and try new things, but at this moment I did not whatsoever want to go. We plotted up a plan- pretend like I’m pregnant. I’m not going to lie, we even tried. (Thank God it didn’t work)
Fast forward a few months into me moving to a different country and I had finally broken up with this guy. I figured it out and put my big girl panties on. “This.is.it.” Little did I know, when it comes to dating someone in an unhealthy state things aren’t ever really over.
Hacked into my social media accounts. Harassed me from a fake Twitter account. Sent naked pictures of me to my dad. Amongst other things. He found a way to bully me and drive me insane from a different country.
Fast forward to me graduating high school and moving back to Alabama. Again, not even a week back and I called him.
I was addicted.
To bear you all the details, I’m just going to cut straight to the point. I kept going back. Time and time again. No matter how worse things got. He knew just what things triggered me. Acting like he was going to end his life. The sex. So on.
I can blame him and I can blame myself. For the longest I’ve been terrified to put this story on blast for the world to see, but the thing is I don’t know who else out there has or is going through something similar. And it’s scary. It’s scary to be blind to “love.”
“You drained me of my identity and
injected self doubt into my veins
Left me questioning my own sanity
Walking around aimlessly
At war with my own body every day
Trying to scrub your heavy words off my skin
My mental state has been shaken to it’s core
I don’t know who I am anymore”
So, to the girl who keeps going back,
Understand that you are not alone. You aren’t being judged. You aren’t crazy. You can get out of this situation, but you have to speak up and speak out. You have to begin to love yourself. And to be completely honest with you, we’ve all gone back. Rather it’s back to food, a drug, a person, a bad habit… we’ve all gone back. It’s about the moment we finally stop though. When we choose to no longer give ourselves away to this nasty thing. When we take back our power.
Girl you got this.
“What you allow is what will continue.”
If you’re reading this and you’re ready to take the necessary steps towards loving yourself
- Message me
- Download my love yourself workbook below
- And read my other post on self-love here.
To read the rest of the “To The Person…” series, click below.
To The Mom Who’s Not Quite Sure What To Do With Her Body
To The Go Getter Who Wants To Do It All
To The Christian Who’s Struggling